Im so proud of myself i lost 15 pounds in only 5 days by starving myself use of laxatives and binging and proud of myself idk what anyone saids about it...:)

Is there still time?
Wasnt a very good week for me,i got out of the hospital a couple of days ago,apparently i started seazing and i passed out had to call ambulence,i guess my bloodshurger was so dangeriously low so much so that i almost died....idk how much more my body can take....I would give anything to go back in time....If it wasnt for my 14 year old son i would have died....I cant emagine what that must have felt  like for him....I prey everyday that i live.....that today isnt the day to die....but one day it will be.....what then....was it all worth it?? Was it worth dieing young,to not see your grandkids one day,to not be at your childrens weddings and to miss out on there lives because i was selfish...because what i thought i wanted when i was 12 years old has turnd into a demon inside me and has swallowed my soul....falling into the blackness.....forever wishing i would have thought about these things then.............

I hate fat exspesholy on me but if i new then what i know now i would have ran for my life,shure im anarexic/bulimic have been have been for about 20 years now and ill exsplane that theres a point in these eating disorders where theres no turning back and my body has about reached that point where i have a huge hernia in my stomach with hurts my chest like i feel as tho im haveing a heart attack daily my bones are brittle from ostioporoses, came close to death on sevrel ocashons,pain in my arms and legs and chest all day every day and i now have kidney sucks....but my mind is at a no return level i cant shut it off no matter what i do....its adictive like drugs...then comes the cuting i have bad scars on both my arms and legs...forever branding my body with my pain ....not meaning for people to see my pain and mostly they just dont understand it....but because of my actions i have left a legasy my children not meaning for then immatate me but my 16 year old daughter now cuts herself im im feeling like it is my fault....idk....all i know is what my mind tells me takes over me..the whole me u know? i figure that if theres one person that i can help theen i will be happy i just tiered....

No one should want to have anorexia/bulimia,to be like we are the ones who have had this illness for sooooo long because its a real illness not just on the outside but on the inside as well. i know i go threw severe pain because my potassium is dangarousely low,low enough that i have to spend a week in the hospital with potassium and fluids running threw my veins wich potassium in liquid form going threw your veins is very painfull due to the thickness of the fluid..and i igree that if your just a wannabe anorexic/bulimic then u should reavaluate yourself and join some weight watchers or whatever but i cant give you tips because i would have to feel responsibe if someone were to die. im a 34 year old mother who has been going threw this illness/monster for 19 years and now my body is that of a 70 year old women. im on here to vent and maybe reach out to some people who are like me not wannabe's because this illness isnt beautiful exspechioly in my mind..i call my illness a monster because thats what it is...and it will never go away and may even kill me in my near future. my life should resolve around my kids and my family but instead it revolves around my illness. my family cut me out of there lives saying its to hard to look at me just when i needed them most but matter how hard i try not to think about food and shit,i only stress and think about it soo much more its a never ending cicle, so i say to the wannabe's this illness isnt beautiful it sucks u into a deep dark hole like a monster and holds u there for all eternity...


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